Dicks on Parade

Remember when the buffed-out dickhead teacher in high school used to strut through the cafeteria and there would always be one or two wiseacres following a short distance behind him, mocking his “I’m a badass” strut with exaggerated body language? That’s what I always think of when I see these dipshit cops all duded up in their “wear-them-once-because-we’re-too-fat-to-wear-them-after-the-years-that-will-pass-before-we-will-need-them-again” SuperCop Riot Outfits. I mean, get a load of this video that just surfaced from a story out of Minneapolis:


Fuck the Man. I mean, these guys are in Minneapolis. At a park full of people just chilling. What a bunch of knuckledraggers. Recreate ’68, my ass. These guys are so itchy to beat people it’s almost comical if it weren’t so serious. Pathetic. It reminded me of the scene in Stripes where Bill Murray is trying to inspire his crew to go after the soldiers that were captured while looking for them. “We’re not going to Moscow, it’s Czechoslovakia! It’s like going to Wisconsin!” The idea being, of course, that the destination isn’t exactly a hotbed of violence and turmoil.

I tried to find a video of that scene in the movie, but YouTube, those slackers, didn’t have it.

Which brings me to a testimonial describing utter disappointment.

The Big Lebowski

Okay, I’ve heard for years from certain people how great this movie is, but I’d never seen it. Finally watched this last night. What a letdown. I chuckled a couple times, but for the most part I found it insufferably lame. That’s right, I said it: L-A-M-E. In fact, if I didn’t like some of the actors so much I probably would have turned it off midway through (if not also for the fact I was hoping for a scene with Julianne Moore naked or something).


I managed a couple chuckles here and there, but most of it just seemed stupid to me. The dialog was particularly lame, with most of the jokes just being used over and over again (stuttering, roundabout answers to every question; “shut the fuck up!” every time Buscemi’s character opened his mouth, etc.). That and I hate the term “dude.” Hate it when people use it to begin and end every sentence. Hate to be called “dude” (or “bro” or “brah” or any of that). I’m more likely to use, and much prefer, “man.” But you can’t have a character calling himself “The Man” or he would have to be a dick (see above).

Whatever. I didn’t dig it. At all. Julia says it’s a second tier Coen Brothers movie. I’d put it in the lower end of that, maybe all the way into the third tier. Maybe I was too grouchy. Maybe I’ve always found the “lovable stoner/slacker” archetype to be loathesome. Habitual, deadbeat stoners are my second least favorite people, barely higher on the chart than habitual, deadbeat drunks. Julia and I wondered about this archetype afterward, and she suggested that perhaps he is a modern take on the trickster. It’s possible, but if so it misses the mark. I have always identified with trickster archetypes, or the Fool in tarot, but this particular one does nothing for me. I’d hoped he’d end up dead and rolled up in his carpet by movie’s end. Now THAT would have been proper Coen Brothers.

So I’m probably losing some cred by despising this movie. I guess it will be my burden. I’ll take Stripes any day.

Death Magnetic

Since I would hate for anyone to think I’m cranky, I’m going to close by revealing something new that I like, against all odds even. I’m speaking, of course, of the new Metallica album.

Despite having a truly awful title, and a cover that is also pretty bad, I’ve found myself really digging on this album. I’ve always liked the band, but never been one of those rabid fans (first time I heard them was some guy blasting them over a boombox while we were waiting in line to see KISS and Queensryche at the Seattle Center Arena circa about 1986 or so). Even the albums that people hate I tend to think are pretty solid offerings of heavy rock. No, they haven’t matched their early material, but few bands do. I’m also not one of those people who gets pissed off if a band doesn’t keep putting out the same record year after year; I like a band to experiment once in a while, for better or worse.

This album has really grown on me. The sound quality is good, the songs are good (though a couple could use some editing in their arrangements), and I like it. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Dude.

13 thoughts on “Dicks on Parade

  1. Patia

    >”The Big Lebowski” is genius precisely because it’s so lame. The trickster/fool archetype is extremely apt. The movie is poking fun at a bunch of Southern California archetypes — slacker beach bums, uptight old white men, ex-military psychos, porn stars and directors, etc.”Fuck it, dude. Let’s go bowling.”

  2. April

    >that video scares me. just look at our current situation with that camel fucker in iraq…oh sorry, slipped into the big lebowski.sorry you didn’t like it. there’s no pleasing some people. it’s in my top 10. we’re going to have to agree to disagree.

  3. Rebecca

    >The Big Lebowski lame? Third tier Coen brothers movie? Shut the fuck up, Donny.The Dude is a living Zen master. He just abides. I know Buddhists who swear the movie is loaded with koans. I can’t vouch for that–I’m a confirmed atheist–but I do know it’s three against one now. Say what you will about the plot of The Big Lebowski, man, at least it’s an ethos.

  4. Rebecca

    >Btw, I saw Burn After Reading for the second time tonight. If I had to think of the Coens in terms of tiers, I’d list them like this:FargoThe Big LebowskiNo Country for Old MenO Brother, Where Art Thou?Miller’s CrossingThe Hudsucker ProxyBurn After ReadingBarton FinkRaising ArizonaThe Man Who Wasn’t ThereBlood Simple…………..The LadykillersIntolerable CrueltyAs you can see, I’m a Coen fanatic.

  5. Joe Bird

    >Chris, for what it’s worth, I agreed with you wholly about Lebowski the first time I saw it. Can’t say I hated it, but it was a big disappointment. Then some friends started quoting it and telling me I needed to see it. After much hesitation I saw it again, and nearly laughed my ass off. It was like it was a different movie. And it got funnier the next four or five times I saw it. I don’t know what it is about that movie, but it is the ONLY comedy I’ve ever seen that was funnier on subsequent viewing. I won’t blame you if you don’t take that chance again, but I can tell you that at this point I’d put Lebowski in my personal top 10, to my own surprise.

  6. Chris

    >I suppose the day may come that I’ll give Lebowski another shot, I don’t know. I’m happy to agree to disagree with April, in a Zen kinda way. Then again, the idea of a fistfight over it with Rebecca sounds equally appealing.Comedies are a hard sell with me anyway. I was in a shit mood when I watched it, and it didn’t really help. That said, I was in even more of a shit mood when I saw Burn After Reading (mainly because they did not have a functional popcorn machine at The Wilma, after I had fasted all afternoon in anticipation of stuffing my face!) and that movie made me laugh my ass off.

  7. Chris

    >Fargo gets a thumbs-up from me as well. As does No Country, O Brother, Burn After Reading, and Blood Simple. Haven’t seen any of the others yet. Julia ranks the same two on the bottom that Rebecca does, and we have Raising Arizona due to arrive any day now as she says it is a much better Coen comedy than Lebowski.

  8. BobWire

    >What the…? How'd I miss this topic a year ago?As with most art, if it's widely appealing, it doesn't take enough chances. The risk/reward ratio has to be high.People seem to be in two camps with Lebowski; either they absolutely love it and watch it periodically, or they don't see what the fuss is about and don't like it at all. I'm in the former camp, and I would agree that it gets funnier every time.And Blood Simple? Only one of the finest noir movies ever made by anyone.

  9. Chris

    >Best part about revisiting this post, BobWire, was seeing the Francis Sawyer bit from Stripes again. Goddamn it, I could laugh any harder if someone farted in the middle of it. I mean every goddamn time!I'm with you on Blood Simple. I'm going to watch that again here in the midst of my current noir obsession.

  10. Patia

    >"Blood Simple" is genius.Speaking of noir, I watched "The House on 92nd Street" the other night. Fascinating — it was shot in 1945 in docu-drama style about German spies and the Manhattan Project.


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