>No, I’m just having a lark. But I like it anyway. Seeing all the great old books at Powell’s has made me appreciate the fiction I grew up with, so I am proclaiming this Badass Week TM. I mean, dig this passage from the first Tarzan novel, published in 1914, after the badass in question has encountered civilization on his quest to track down Jane:
Gradually he became accustomed to the strange noises and the odd ways of civilization, so that presently none might know that two short months before, this handsome Frenchman in immaculate white ducks, who laughed and chatted with the gayest of them, had been swinging naked through primeval forests to pounce upon some unwary victim, which, raw, was to fill his savage belly.
That’s my kind of action hero. Rambo can’t touch him.
Last week it was pizza in the Midwest. They cut it in a fashion that fills me with rage. Instead of a minimum of cuts across the diameter of the pie to make pie slices, they cut it into little slabs like mini sandwiches (which also piss me off). So the border morsels are okay, but the middle pieces don’t have the requisite crust to hold on to and savor at the end. It’s way too much work to eat. These aren’t carrots for stir fry, you jackasses, it’s pizza! Next time I order pizza in the Midwest, I am going to make it very clear the feast is destined for the savage belly of a primeval-style MAN, not a kindergarten class.
This week I am reminded of something that has pissed me off numerous times over the past couple years of renting cars, and has finally made me want to get nearly-nude and fight someone. I’m talking about the worst idea in car stereo history: automatic volume control. Let’s say I’m cruising down the highway rocking out. It could be anything. Dead Meadow. Ryan Bingham. Or Midnight, perhaps. I pull off the exit, and as I slow down the music steadily gets quieter. Aaaargh! Who ever thought that could possibly be anywhere near a good idea? That’s why engineers suck. 20 years of college, no common sense.
I’m probably not going to be able to sleep now.