>How many people remember those old, hyper-dramatic episodes from the 70s produced by NFL Films? The man who did the voice overs for those things was a guy named John Facenda, and he is legendary. Here’s a taste of what I’m talking about:
The AM radio sound of this clip doesn’t really do it justice, but the guy had one of those deep, resonant, James Earl Jones-style voices that just fills up a room and rumbles your bowels.
So what does this have to do with anything, especially considering my career as a football fan is long gone (but not so long that I don’t still hate the fucking Raiders and their jackass fanbase)? Well, the guy I am working with this week has one of those voices, and goddammit I wish I had one too. The office area of this place has kind of a “U” shape, high ceilings, and a linoleum floor; when he talks, it just rumbles throughout the entire place. It is awe inspiring. His tasteful use of profanity — particularly “damn” and “goddamn” as frequent adjectives — with kind of a down home, barbershop brand of amiability, makes him a guy that I enjoy listening to.
In a perfect world he would truly have it all. By a perfect world I mean, of course, a world where a guy with an enormous belly is actually treated with deference. A massive gut would be a sign of prosperity, the indication that a man has conquered life and is now reaping the benefits. In this world, women would swoon for big, fat, hairy stomachs. This guy I’m talking about doesn’t have a particularly large frame, but his gut is prodigious. It just seems to protrude from beneath his chest like he has one of those swiss ball things strapped to his torso. Clearly this ad is subliminal; it suggests that women secretly yearn to ride a great big belly — just look at that pose!
I’m already sick of hearing Barack Obama speak and he ain’t even elected yet. He was just on The Daily Show, and Jon Stewart was sucking up to him like he’s hoping for a cabinet position; I muted it not even halfway through. These candidates should stay away from trying to be funny. At least on TV, anyway. You know the best McCain jokes are floating around on the Obama bus. THAT is the stuff I want to hear.
Since I’ve voted already, the only thing I care about in following this campaign now is just how stupid it can get in the final week. McCain in particular; I’ve said it before, but what the hell does anyone in their right mind see in this guy? Stewart ripped him last night, mostly for his “air quotes” thing. And Samantha Bee piles on magnificently. You need to check it out.
John McCain is Cotton Hill.