The Time I Thought My Dog Ordered Something Online

We have four dogs. Three of them are Jack Russell terriers. Two of them are female, and they have both become rather . . . portly. Their names are Darla (the fancier of the two, she has papers and everything!) and Velcro (a rescue dog). As most pet owners, I imagine, we have various other names for our pets as well, some less than flattering. For example, we may call Darla “Little D” or “Darlis” or, if we have been watching Rome, Deeus Minimus. Velcro is called “Velcs”, “Velcris”, or “Crini.” She hears her name the most, usually at volume, because, sweet as she often is, she’s also a raving freakshow.

One evening Julia pointed at Velcro where she was sprawled across one of the dog beds and commented on her big belly, how it protruded like that of an engorged tick. So, Velcro earned the name “The Tick.”

Velcro, aka "The Tick"
Velcro, aka “The Tick”

Moving along, we had gotten hooked on watching the first couple seasons of comedian Louis CK‘s television show, Louis. Now Louie isn’t for everyone, but we love it. It’s smart, irreverent, and, quite often, pretty profane. At the end of every episode, as the credits roll, the last thing you see is the credit of his production company, business name, whatever . . . and it is called Pig Newton. After seeing that a few times, it sticks in one’s head. So, given Darla’s shape and fitness level, Julia took to calling her “Pig Newton.”

Darla, aka "Pig Newton"
Darla, aka “Pig Newton”

I even wrote a little song I often sing on quiet evenings as the family spends quality time in our cozy living room together:

Pig Newton, Pig Newton

Fouls the air, with Tootin’


Time passes, we watch all the Louis episodes, move on to other things. One night, with nothing to watch, I tell Julia Louis CK has this new live performance he recorded, and you can buy it direct from him via his website for $5. Pretty cool, so we go for it. It’s one of those “artist-direct-to-fans” things that was a huge success. Anyway, I get online, order it, download it, we watch it, and love it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks now. I am torturing myself by reconciling my bank statement. And I see this charge to:

Pig Newton.

Of course, me being a rational, 40-something human with (maybe) a little above-average savvy, I don’t immediately make the connection to Louis CK, I immediately flash on this: “How the fuck did that little dog figure out a way to order something online?!”

We’re talking about maybe a matter of seconds, perhaps less, but for that brief moment I was poleaxed over how this crafty, manipulative, beady-eyed little critter pulled one over on me. Then I see what was purchased, Live at the Beacon Theater, and everything falls into place.

But for that moment, man. . . .

And I wouldn’t put it past her to figure it out either.

Anyway, here is a clip — pretty much just audio — of Louis CK explaining where “Pig Newton” came from:


Author: Chris

Chris La Tray is a writer, a walker, and a photographer. He is an enrolled member of the Little Shell Tribe of Chippewa Indians and lives in Missoula, MT.

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