>Julia made it to San Francisco for the big bellydance thing, and was only late getting in by about 4 hours. Which, of course, had me up gnashing my teeth with images of her pulling her suitcase for the 6 blocks from the BART to her hostel, in the wee hours, surrounded by dark figures lurking in the shadows, drooling over how her curves look in the lurid light of Crackville, NoCal. I should have had more faith, though — I believe the X-Men are still based there these days.
When she isn’t hassling me, she’s leading the Bark Charge for the other dogs. The neighbors are apparently getting some new windows installed, and every day when the workmen arrive and have the audacity to actually use their voices, it only takes several hours for the dogs to finally decide that maybe that’s okay. It’s already started today, in fact. With it being garbage truck day, Velcro will be in a tizzy until evening. I enlisted the aid of the new Captain America in an effort to maintain order around here, but he seems more intent on just striking a heroic pose.
The real pain in the ass, as always, is Puny. Since the weather has cooled to the point where I can’t just keep my window open to shoo her through, she likes to plant herself on my desk, right up in my grill between me and the keyboard.
I figured if she was going to be here, I may as well put her to good use. Maybe holding my pen for me will keep her hands busy enough that she doesn’t feel compelled to attack me every time I try and work around her.
More Shit My Dad Says
Bio: I’m 28. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says.
“You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”
“Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.”
“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”
“Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?…No, I’m not gonna make a joke. I’ll let your mirror do that.”
“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”
“Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”
“I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”
“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed…What’s Footloose?…That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
“Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
“You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”
“You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”
“Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why’s he gotta do a trick first? YOU don’t have to do shit before YOU eat.”
“It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”
“Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.”
“A scar ain’t 13 god damned stitches. I’ll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we’ll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together.”
“I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”
“You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
“I wouldn’t worry about money…No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn’t worry, cause you’d just piss it away.”
“No, you can not borrow my t-shirt…How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?”
“I think the baby shit….Well, I’m smelling shit right now, so if it ain’t the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem.”